burns

you breathed fire into me and then watched me disintegrate.
i am no more than the ashes of your making,
your doing.

i wished for the passion
and the heat.
yet now i feel the burns
carving scars into my skin.

you lit a spark in me,
illuminating even my darkest parts.
you were the wildfire and i, the trees,
hopeless to your will, your wrath.

don’t get too close to the flame
the warnings i missed,
the flashing lights i just wanted to dance to.

your flashes of rust and blue.
your colors i cannot forget,
burn the edges of my mind,
melting everything else away.

you were born to be destructive.
all infernos are.
i was naive for thinking i could stand in your path,
be resilient to that hell-fire heat.
i never thought you would burn through
the deepest parts of me.
seeping into my eyes, my skin, my bones,
my heart.

they say never underestimate a flame.
now i know its true.
every part of me is ruined,
rubble, rust, ash.
i have been reduced to the smallest part of myself,
no hope of reconstruction.

the sparkle in your eye was the first mistake,
that tiny lick of fire.
i should have run away.

extinction

a part of me longs to pry my past open,                                                                                   explore all the mistakes and secrets of long ago.

i’m a new me, and you’re a new you.

when we were younger, we dreamed of this. together. tangled up in hopes and dreams that seemed so incredibly out of reach.

but this is it. we are here. so much older than we even want to be, our desires for the future spread out before us like a never ending fantasy novel.

i want to hold onto everything all at once. i love these people. i love this life. yet, i know it is fleeting.

we continue to grow. we extend our arms wider and cheer louder and love harder. smile wider. our hearts and minds seem to expand past capacity.

who would have thought we were capable of this? we always yearned for this to end, yet here we are, hiding from a new beginning in the comfort of what we have constantly wished away.

we are triumphant children on the brink of adulthood. we see the sun on the horizon and know new things are upon us. we step back and begin a journey backwards to learn to appreciate things we formerly took for granted.

our old lives are on the brink of extinction. we are searching for safety and comfort in all of our surroundings. we are drinking up the last bits of hope before that life is over-forever.

when that sun finally closes in upon us, we will be ready. we will be ready because our former selves have taught us to love and appreciate each other as if life is going to forever change tomorrow.

so, yes. you can live in the past-not forever, not for always. the past helps us reach our full potential in order to travel to the next destination in life. it is a tool used to better ourselves for a new age. use it wisely. never forget the past isn’t supposed to last forever-only to transform us into the best human beings we can be.

 

 

summer of lessons

Tomorrow, I officially start my senior year. In elementary and middle school, I would always dream about how my life would be in high school. What I would be doing, who my friends would be, what I would look like. It all seemed like such a distant fantasy back then. Yet, here I am. It seems to have happened in the blink of an eye. Summer ends tonight, and although I didn’t have a whole lot of fun this summer, I did something even better-I changed.

This summer I went through many experiences and learned many valuable lessons. I learned to not spend unnecessary time focusing on the negative things in my past. These things do not matter anymore! By giving too much attention to things that should no longer have a hold on your life, you are affecting your future decisions and even relationships with others. If you live your life this way, it is impossible to be happy. For so long, I have struggled with negativity. For some reason, nothing ever made me happy. Although I still have to fight for happiness, I know I have made progress and am on the right path now. I realized I was caring too much about things that didn’t have a place in my life any longer. I let it go and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I learned that you do not have to do what other people, or what society, is telling you to do. Constantly, on social media, we have posts screaming at us to only live for ourselves. Of course, personal health should always be a priority, but what about JOY? That little phrase we learn at school or church that simply states the order of who to put first in your life: Jesus, Others, Yourself? I have learned that if something or someone is valuable in your life, although you don’t agree with their choices, keep them. Help others.  If a relationship is becoming complicated, don’t just give it up. Help them grow. Help each other grow. Be there for people. Don’t give in to something you know in your heart you do not want to do. Someone very wise once told me, “Sometimes doing what is best for you isn’t the right thing to do.” We need to learn to be more selfless in a world that’s training us to stop listening to our hearts and minds. Society is reshaping the way we think and feel and it’s time to fight back and revert to the simplest of teachings-JOY.

The last, and most important thing I learned this summer, is to never take people for granted. I don’t mean to be morbid, but everyday people are being taken from this world. Even people in my community. Appreciate the love other people have for you and love them to the fullest. Always spend time with Christ. Don’t shut people out who only care about you and want to help you. Be kind. You never know when your last moments with the people around you will be.

I am filled with regrets that some of the reasons I learned these things were because I made mistakes-ones that could have been entirely avoided. Either way, I know I am in this place in my life because God wants me to be here. He wants me to grow and to become a better person. Goodnight everyone, and for those that start school in the morning, have a good day (:

Savannah

the hardest part

As a teenager, I struggle daily with “little things.” Things like friendship struggles, boys who won’t matter in a few months, etc…drama I so easily get sucked into. I am someone who loves to pretend. I love to act like nothing bothers me and that I’m above feeling down about something that is so meaningless. Here’s the kicker though: everyone else is doing the same thing.

The reason the “little things” suck us in is because they serve as an easy distraction from our higher purpose. We constantly are searching for a way out, a way to shirk our responsibilities. We know our days on earth are numbered, so why not do what we want while we can? Why don’t we be reckless and not care? Life’s too short.

That’s the hardest part. We want to experience everything life has to offer us, but we get dragged under by all the stuff everyone and everything else seems to be shouting at us to do. Life surrounds you with its chaos and clouds our judgments. We become indifferent to the voice of God telling us to slow down and take a walk with Him. We shrug Him off. What we humans fail to realize is that this ignorance of Christ actually hurts Him. He loves us and sent His Son to die on the cross to save us. He wants all of us to walk with Him in this life so we can spend eternity by His side.

I fall under temptation constantly. I’m a sinner, through and through. I have realized the only way for me to achieve true happiness through this mess is to trust in the Lord and His plan for me. I ask that he gives me patience and ask for His forgiveness when I turn down the wrong path. I am learning and working on taking a step back and not becoming what this world wants me to be.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” –Romans 12:2

the crazy kind of love

(written for my broken-hearted & beautiful friends tonight)

maybe we were supposed to bite our tongues,
flaunt,
be confident,
shake our hair to the wind,
and be the young and wild and free girls we were destined to be.
maybe.
but this wasn’t always our reality.
we wanted to synthetically transform into the Barbie of their dreams. so we would squeeze all of our insecurities, all of our doubts, and all of our insanities into those too-tight pants that we think they just might like.

it’s why we smiled wider, laughed louder, so maybe their eyes would drift over and meet our very fragile ones for half of a second.

we loved them. wanted to destroy our worlds so maybe we could be a part of theirs for just a little bit of time. all in the hope that they would give you more than a casual hug or a fleeting conversation in the hallway.

but, they…they were the manipulators. they knew how absolutely head over heels we were for their half a seconds and empty promises. and they used it to their advantage. they were the winners, the conquerers of a single gender species.

but no. let’s forget about that. continue to be open, willing, trusting, loyal. because no one wants to point our their flaws. only ours. the crazy girls.

they decieve you. they hold your hand and flirt with you and smile coyly at you from across the room. they steadily build up the idea of dating, a beautiful girl and a beautiful boy finally doing something really great together.

(together. music to a crazy girl’s ears)

then, they pull the plug. end it. say they aren’t ready. it’s not time. that you both should move on and focus on other things.
we, the worshippers, unravel. heads spinning, wondering where we went wrong. what’s wrong with us?

they have the nerve to tell us we are the crazy ones, the hell-raisers, dramatic, petty, ungrateful.
all of us.

maybe it was a bad idea to throw ourselves into this fire. to give ourselves up to the thing we know will destroy us. but we pray. we hope. we have blind faith that maybe the heavens will open up and rain will cascade down and eradicate the inferno. calm the soul. make him peaceful again. make him love again. or at least somehow capable of it.

girls are the lovers and the fighters. we love so it can give us something to fight for. its part of us, built right into our dna.

all i can remember is her sitting on my couch, her eyes stinging red from the tears and thinking, “why?
this amazing, beautiful, fierce lover shedding her tears over a single boy. one of the strongest people i knew suddenly becoming weak by a single action. it was astonishing how much control these people have over us. how they can sway and dictate our entire mindsets over one single lie.

we ask so many times. we give them opportunities to let us crazy girls go, but they continue to lead us on. they love the attention we give them because they know how incredibly fierce it is. how more fierce it will become if they slide one more lie in masked by a sneaky apology and a bright smile, relieved they have more time to sit in the throne we have built up for them in the kingdom of our making. it’s one of a kind.

our fingers ache as we claw and fight our way through what we think is just a simple misunderstanding. something we can fix, something we can control. little do we know, you can’t dig your way out of a mindset. we’ll drown, lost among the endless sea of other girls who lost themselves trying a little too hard for people who just don’t care.

so, i will leave you with this.
love. it is what we crazy girls were designed to do. love indefinitely, love infinitely…but never lose the love you have for yourself.

do/don’t

the tips of my fingers trembled as i touched the journal.
i had quoted you endless times. i wanted to know what your words felt like rolling off of my tongue and onto the page. i took my comfort in you, in this unoriginality.

i couldn’t dare face my own creativity. it was too fierce and wild and took me over with one single exhale of a word. all i could focus on were the do’s and don’ts. 

don’t.
one command. one life-threatening, soul-altering word.
don’t yell. don’t cheat. don’t fight. don’t push. don’t cry.

everything suppressed, screaming to get out.

i had recreated myself into a pristine, obedient woman. i had created myself into you.
you were the rule follower, the epitome of perfection. of course, i could never fully become you.

but i could try.

i could paint my life in your subtle, pastel colors, hiding the darkness within. i could suffocate myself in your rainbow of niceties and politeness. i could choke all of this down, and pretend.

but i would always be your opponent. the one standing at the end of the spectrum, inches away from dropping into nothingness. oblivion.

if i am so aware of this fact, why do i bother? why do i put myself through this pain in order to transform myself from something i cannot escape?

it’s easy. plain and simple and clear.

we’re all bred to want something we can’t have. straight hair, perfect nose, skinnier waist, bronze skin. it’s programmed into our beings. it’s a natural chase, from the moment we are born. constantly surrounded by the do’s and don’ts of society. we inhale the do’s and exhale the don’ts, telling ourselves this is how to survive. to become something we are not. to bury ourselves in the artificiality. to become it.

so that’s where i am. in the endless sea of artificiality, drowning among the others.

while i am struggling to become her, she’s struggling to become someone else.

maybe she’s struggling to become me.

maybe she wants to strip herself of the inbred pleasantries. the smile she can’t hide. the desire to help, to be selfless, to never let them down. to be that model for them. a leader.

maybe she wants to jump across this predestined spectrum and take my place at the precipice.

maybe she has darkness too, but she’s just beginning to discover it.

maybe she’s had it all along.

funny, right? how everything is opposite? how you never really know who someone is? who they want to be? what they want us to be?

in the end, the choice is really ours.

do. or don’t.

 

 

 

selfish

Have you ever had something so great, but ruin it because things don’t go exactly your way? Well, this is what often happens to me. I will be blessed with something new and exciting coming into my life, but try to control every aspect of it. I grow continuously unhappy that the conditions are not fine-tuned to my liking.  I pretend that my actions don’t affect others and that the other person or thing involved is the one in the wrong. This is an awful and detrimental mindset to have, and I have been struggling with it for years-more so in high school. I have talked about my fear of change and the unknown in a previous post. I don’t like things that are out of my control, things I can’t change. So this leads me to bend everything to my will, so I can have everything just so. But this doesn’t work in reality, because life involves consequences. Life is a series of cause and effect. You can’t make a decision or an action without something following it up.

Recently, I messed up. This was when I realized I had turned into something I refused to acknowledge-a selfish monster. Time and time again, I do certain things that I know I would never be okay with if I was on the other end. I try to tell myself everything is fine and that it’s going to be okay, when in reality I’m hurting inside. I treat others this awful way to build myself up. Instead of clinging to this selfishness, I need to turn to God. I need to trust His way and His plan. I need to let go and let him enter my heart and soul and guide me through my actions. I am asking Him to cleanse me of my wrongdoings and let me begin again as His daughter. I want to ask for His forgiveness and everyone else’s that I have harmed while I was up in my head.

Savannah

home

One of my favorite songs, “Home” by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, contains a lyric I have always loved-“Home is wherever I’m with you.” Another quote I have come across involving the home is from the novel Love, Rosie-“I’ve learned that home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling.”

Your typical home is the place that you live and build your life on. Mine, for instance, would be Augusta, Georgia. I was born and raised here with my loving and awesome family. Nearly all of my fondest memories have taken place in this town. My home in the most extensive sense is laughing with my friends, a good song, a sunset, dinners with my family, being at the beach and seeing the massive ocean, the view outside of a travelling car window, looking up at a night sky full of stars…

It’s all of these things and more. One day, when I leave my house and family to be on my own, my heart will always carry these various little “homes” with me. I can look at the beautiful sunset and be reminded of my wonderful home God blessed me with and thank Him for putting little pieces of home all around so I can feel it anywhere I may travel.

 

 

 

#7

quote/song of the day

“I realized there is no shame in being honest. There is no shame in being vulnerable.
It’s the beauty of being human.”

“big decisions”-my morning jacket

adolescence

Whispers of a forgotten secret from long ago,
that was how we carried on.
We didn’t care that the only thing that kept us going was the nostalgia, the memories.
We pretended that life was a game of storytelling.
Reality was all but a short distance away, but we preferred the slow paces and familiar routes.
The others would pass us by and laugh their superior laughs.
We would turn our faces and act like nothing could touch us.

We were wispy children stuck in the past,
unable to move on from the life of daydreaming and lollygagging.
Our refusal to grow up had brought us strength, dignity, and pride.

The option of an elder life had never interested us.
We were no stranger to their lifestyle of bravado and business.
We preferred the silence of simplicity.
The exposure to responsibility was too much.

In the faraway, distracted world we had created,
we were content,
we were joyous.
We were undeniably adolescent.