thoughts on paper

1. so, here you are again
   standing on that same, terrifying precipice
   you love it up here
   you always have
   but it scares you
   it rattles your bones and freezes your brain
   until you can’t move
   you feel as if the walls are closing in
   you forget to breathe
   and then a laugh emerges
   a light breeze, letting you know how alive you are
   in this moment
   and you realize
   you can’t give this up
   you could stay here forever
   terrified and ecstatic all at the same time
   on the edge of emotion everyday
   they never said life would be this complicated
   they said it’d be worse
2. i remember the way the atmosphere shifted
   when we realized we weren’t worth the effort
   the timing, the place
   but i’ll never stop loving you
   i wont forget your face
   or the way the sides of your lips wrinkle when you laugh
   your eyes get so happy
   i wish i could see that side of you again
   with me
3. its hard to know somebody
   like the back of your hand
   because when they walk away
   you no longer know how to touch
   how to feel
   you no longer recognize that part of yourself
   it has now disappeared

a series of random writings

1.

someday we will look back and be filled with overwhelming sadness.
everything we thought we knew was wrong. the world is bigger than it seems, you know.
music makes me feel. my friends make me happy i am alive. i am distant and anxiety-ridden. i beat myself up everyday for my daily decisions.
so what then.
they teach you when you are young to never write in another person’s book.
but i couldn’t help myself.
i wanted to become part of your story.
i wanted to paint myself wild and pretty all across your paper-thin pages, make a mark.
maybe that is my problem. i include myself in another person’s life without consent. it happens fast and all at once. i can’t stop myself from dripping ink onto your hard copies. i ruined them.

2.

you were so good at keeping secrets and i know why
you tried to bury yourself under all the weight
so you could forget who you were

3.

they keep telling me to give it time
and to keep a smile painted on my face
but i have left my canvas out in the rain
watercolor in the streets
and there is no way to recreate
the mess i made

4.

the things you hate
become the things you love
and soon you will drown in your own decisiveness

you will act on a thought
a thought you so desperately wanted to be reality
but you must remember my dear
you cannot force the universe to give you what you want it to