Have you ever had something so great, but ruin it because things don’t go exactly your way? Well, this is what often happens to me. I will be blessed with something new and exciting coming into my life, but try to control every aspect of it. I grow continuously unhappy that the conditions are not fine-tuned to my liking. I pretend that my actions don’t affect others and that the other person or thing involved is the one in the wrong. This is an awful and detrimental mindset to have, and I have been struggling with it for years-more so in high school. I have talked about my fear of change and the unknown in a previous post. I don’t like things that are out of my control, things I can’t change. So this leads me to bend everything to my will, so I can have everything just so. But this doesn’t work in reality, because life involves consequences. Life is a series of cause and effect. You can’t make a decision or an action without something following it up.
Recently, I messed up. This was when I realized I had turned into something I refused to acknowledge-a selfish monster. Time and time again, I do certain things that I know I would never be okay with if I was on the other end. I try to tell myself everything is fine and that it’s going to be okay, when in reality I’m hurting inside. I treat others this awful way to build myself up. Instead of clinging to this selfishness, I need to turn to God. I need to trust His way and His plan. I need to let go and let him enter my heart and soul and guide me through my actions. I am asking Him to cleanse me of my wrongdoings and let me begin again as His daughter. I want to ask for His forgiveness and everyone else’s that I have harmed while I was up in my head.
One of my favorite songs, “Home” by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, contains a lyric I have always loved-“Home is wherever I’m with you.” Another quote I have come across involving the home is from the novel Love, Rosie-“I’ve learned that home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling.”
Your typical home is the place that you live and build your life on. Mine, for instance, would be Augusta, Georgia. I was born and raised here with my loving and awesome family. Nearly all of my fondest memories have taken place in this town. My home in the most extensive sense is laughing with my friends, a good song, a sunset, dinners with my family, being at the beach and seeing the massive ocean, the view outside of a travelling car window, looking up at a night sky full of stars…
It’s all of these things and more. One day, when I leave my house and family to be on my own, my heart will always carry these various little “homes” with me. I can look at the beautiful sunset and be reminded of my wonderful home God blessed me with and thank Him for putting little pieces of home all around so I can feel it anywhere I may travel.
quote/song of the day
“I realized there is no shame in being honest. There is no shame in being vulnerable.
It’s the beauty of being human.”
“big decisions”-my morning jacket
Whispers of a forgotten secret from long ago,
that was how we carried on.
We didn’t care that the only thing that kept us going was the nostalgia, the memories.
We pretended that life was a game of storytelling.
Reality was all but a short distance away, but we preferred the slow paces and familiar routes.
The others would pass us by and laugh their superior laughs.
We would turn our faces and act like nothing could touch us.
We were wispy children stuck in the past,
unable to move on from the life of daydreaming and lollygagging.
Our refusal to grow up had brought us strength, dignity, and pride.
The option of an elder life had never interested us.
We were no stranger to their lifestyle of bravado and business.
We preferred the silence of simplicity.
The exposure to responsibility was too much.
In the faraway, distracted world we had created,
we were content,
we were joyous.
We were undeniably adolescent.
quote/song of the day
“because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”
-breakfast at tiffany’s
“anna (go to him)”-the beatles
Yesterday, I was first introduced to Young Life campaigners by my friend Nat Simkins. I was nervous because it was my very first time going with a lot of new people. But, I left feeling rejuvenated in Christ because I was influenced very heavily by something we discussed.
After we read a passage, one of the leaders asked us where we felt the presence of Christ most in our lives. For some reason, mornings were the first thing that came to my mind. I suddenly realized that mornings are one of the great ways Jesus shows us His blessings and power in our lives. When you wake up, usually you’re still groggy and would love to just sleep the day away-especially when school starts back up. We never realize how lucky we are to be able to live another day. We take our days for granted and typically do not live them for Christ. This doesn’t make a lot of sense since He is the one that gave them to us…so why wouldn’t we praise Him for it? We continue to be greedy with our time on earth and not give back to God. We dedicate all of our time to friends, having fun, jobs-all of which are awesome to have, but time for God gets lost. Everyday when I open my eyes to another day on this earth, I am going to try and learn to thank Jesus for another day to give back to Him. I will start my day thanking Him for the multitude of blessings He’s given me-my amazing family and friends, a roof over my head, plenty of food, an education, etc. Most importantly, I will thank Him for never leaving my side and always being a constant presence in my life, no matter how many times I push Him away.
quote/song of the day
“be soft. do not let the world make you hard. do not let the pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.”
“this old dog”-mac demarco
Confidence is something I have always wished I could easily acquire. I admire people who live a fearless life-those who live without fear of judgement, fear of consequences, etc. But, that’s just not who I am. I am afraid of taking risks and ‘living on the edge.’ While incessantly engaging in risky business of course isn’t the best choice of lifestyle, sometimes risks are necessary for life. I am an extremely indecisive person and often when I am faced with a serious decision, I shut down. I ignore all of the issues because I am afraid of the risk factor and what it involves. At times it seems as if the threat of choosing the wrong decision overrides anything else. We allow our fears to poison our minds and affect our decision making. We cannot let our own self-made poison destroy our abilities. We have to follow our hearts and tackle the challenges before us-because life is a tough series of risks that we have to pummel our way through, one way or the other.
quote/song of the day
“the story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye…until we meet again.”
hook, line, and sinker
i attach and detach just as easily
i’m a paradox girl
trying to distract myself from what i
love the most
the biggest loss.
i fall in love with ideas
in order to pass reality by with a
fleeting stare of contempt
the stars swim in my eyes
while i hide