capacity

i was not happy for a very long time.
i would watch life past by me in its flying colors and wonder when will it be my time?
i was staring down at an open book, waiting for the pages to flip for me.
my biggest discovery-you make your own happiness.
it comes in waves, gradually.
i’m driving in the city lights, swaying to the music, laughing at the top of my lungs. i am filled to the brim with love.
for life, for people, for me.
surrounded by the best people i know, the best songs, the best stars the galaxy can give me.
beautiful people everywhere i look. a toothy grin, a dimple, hazelnut hair, freckles, moonlight dancing in their bright eyes.
i never thought i would get to this place. never thought i would find my people.
no, i have not reached my full potential. i am learning everyday what it means to live life to the fullest. but i am working with what i have. loving every second God gives me on this finite earth.
a best friend. a rhythm flowing through me. a kiss.
so, perfection does exist. it is believing every second counts, every smile matters, everything you do and say has impact. that friendship is the greatest thing the world has to offer. love. be kind. it is the only thing to do.

my time is now. every breath i take makes me know this is true. it drives me, pushes me to try and make sense of this crazy world.

and it is your time too.

burns

you breathed fire into me and then watched me disintegrate.
i am no more than the ashes of your making,
your doing.

i wished for the passion
and the heat.
yet now i feel the burns
carving scars into my skin.

you lit a spark in me,
illuminating even my darkest parts.
you were the wildfire and i, the trees,
hopeless to your will, your wrath.

don’t get too close to the flame
the warnings i missed,
the flashing lights i just wanted to dance to.

your flashes of rust and blue.
your colors i cannot forget,
burn the edges of my mind,
melting everything else away.

you were born to be destructive.
all infernos are.
i was naive for thinking i could stand in your path,
be resilient to that hell-fire heat.
i never thought you would burn through
the deepest parts of me.
seeping into my eyes, my skin, my bones,
my heart.

they say never underestimate a flame.
now i know its true.
every part of me is ruined,
rubble, rust, ash.
i have been reduced to the smallest part of myself,
no hope of reconstruction.

the sparkle in your eye was the first mistake,
that tiny lick of fire.
i should have run away.

extinction

a part of me longs to pry my past open,                                                                                   explore all the mistakes and secrets of long ago.

i’m a new me, and you’re a new you.

when we were younger, we dreamed of this. together. tangled up in hopes and dreams that seemed so incredibly out of reach.

but this is it. we are here. so much older than we even want to be, our desires for the future spread out before us like a never ending fantasy novel.

i want to hold onto everything all at once. i love these people. i love this life. yet, i know it is fleeting.

we continue to grow. we extend our arms wider and cheer louder and love harder. smile wider. our hearts and minds seem to expand past capacity.

who would have thought we were capable of this? we always yearned for this to end, yet here we are, hiding from a new beginning in the comfort of what we have constantly wished away.

we are triumphant children on the brink of adulthood. we see the sun on the horizon and know new things are upon us. we step back and begin a journey backwards to learn to appreciate things we formerly took for granted.

our old lives are on the brink of extinction. we are searching for safety and comfort in all of our surroundings. we are drinking up the last bits of hope before that life is over-forever.

when that sun finally closes in upon us, we will be ready. we will be ready because our former selves have taught us to love and appreciate each other as if life is going to forever change tomorrow.

so, yes. you can live in the past-not forever, not for always. the past helps us reach our full potential in order to travel to the next destination in life. it is a tool used to better ourselves for a new age. use it wisely. never forget the past isn’t supposed to last forever-only to transform us into the best human beings we can be.

 

 

the crazy kind of love

(written for my broken-hearted & beautiful friends tonight)

maybe we were supposed to bite our tongues,
flaunt,
be confident,
shake our hair to the wind,
and be the young and wild and free girls we were destined to be.
maybe.
but this wasn’t always our reality.
we wanted to synthetically transform into the Barbie of their dreams. so we would squeeze all of our insecurities, all of our doubts, and all of our insanities into those too-tight pants that we think they just might like.

it’s why we smiled wider, laughed louder, so maybe their eyes would drift over and meet our very fragile ones for half of a second.

we loved them. wanted to destroy our worlds so maybe we could be a part of theirs for just a little bit of time. all in the hope that they would give you more than a casual hug or a fleeting conversation in the hallway.

but, they…they were the manipulators. they knew how absolutely head over heels we were for their half a seconds and empty promises. and they used it to their advantage. they were the winners, the conquerers of a single gender species.

but no. let’s forget about that. continue to be open, willing, trusting, loyal. because no one wants to point our their flaws. only ours. the crazy girls.

they decieve you. they hold your hand and flirt with you and smile coyly at you from across the room. they steadily build up the idea of dating, a beautiful girl and a beautiful boy finally doing something really great together.

(together. music to a crazy girl’s ears)

then, they pull the plug. end it. say they aren’t ready. it’s not time. that you both should move on and focus on other things.
we, the worshippers, unravel. heads spinning, wondering where we went wrong. what’s wrong with us?

they have the nerve to tell us we are the crazy ones, the hell-raisers, dramatic, petty, ungrateful.
all of us.

maybe it was a bad idea to throw ourselves into this fire. to give ourselves up to the thing we know will destroy us. but we pray. we hope. we have blind faith that maybe the heavens will open up and rain will cascade down and eradicate the inferno. calm the soul. make him peaceful again. make him love again. or at least somehow capable of it.

girls are the lovers and the fighters. we love so it can give us something to fight for. its part of us, built right into our dna.

all i can remember is her sitting on my couch, her eyes stinging red from the tears and thinking, “why?
this amazing, beautiful, fierce lover shedding her tears over a single boy. one of the strongest people i knew suddenly becoming weak by a single action. it was astonishing how much control these people have over us. how they can sway and dictate our entire mindsets over one single lie.

we ask so many times. we give them opportunities to let us crazy girls go, but they continue to lead us on. they love the attention we give them because they know how incredibly fierce it is. how more fierce it will become if they slide one more lie in masked by a sneaky apology and a bright smile, relieved they have more time to sit in the throne we have built up for them in the kingdom of our making. it’s one of a kind.

our fingers ache as we claw and fight our way through what we think is just a simple misunderstanding. something we can fix, something we can control. little do we know, you can’t dig your way out of a mindset. we’ll drown, lost among the endless sea of other girls who lost themselves trying a little too hard for people who just don’t care.

so, i will leave you with this.
love. it is what we crazy girls were designed to do. love indefinitely, love infinitely…but never lose the love you have for yourself.

do/don’t

the tips of my fingers trembled as i touched the journal.
i had quoted you endless times. i wanted to know what your words felt like rolling off of my tongue and onto the page. i took my comfort in you, in this unoriginality.

i couldn’t dare face my own creativity. it was too fierce and wild and took me over with one single exhale of a word. all i could focus on were the do’s and don’ts. 

don’t.
one command. one life-threatening, soul-altering word.
don’t yell. don’t cheat. don’t fight. don’t push. don’t cry.

everything suppressed, screaming to get out.

i had recreated myself into a pristine, obedient woman. i had created myself into you.
you were the rule follower, the epitome of perfection. of course, i could never fully become you.

but i could try.

i could paint my life in your subtle, pastel colors, hiding the darkness within. i could suffocate myself in your rainbow of niceties and politeness. i could choke all of this down, and pretend.

but i would always be your opponent. the one standing at the end of the spectrum, inches away from dropping into nothingness. oblivion.

if i am so aware of this fact, why do i bother? why do i put myself through this pain in order to transform myself from something i cannot escape?

it’s easy. plain and simple and clear.

we’re all bred to want something we can’t have. straight hair, perfect nose, skinnier waist, bronze skin. it’s programmed into our beings. it’s a natural chase, from the moment we are born. constantly surrounded by the do’s and don’ts of society. we inhale the do’s and exhale the don’ts, telling ourselves this is how to survive. to become something we are not. to bury ourselves in the artificiality. to become it.

so that’s where i am. in the endless sea of artificiality, drowning among the others.

while i am struggling to become her, she’s struggling to become someone else.

maybe she’s struggling to become me.

maybe she wants to strip herself of the inbred pleasantries. the smile she can’t hide. the desire to help, to be selfless, to never let them down. to be that model for them. a leader.

maybe she wants to jump across this predestined spectrum and take my place at the precipice.

maybe she has darkness too, but she’s just beginning to discover it.

maybe she’s had it all along.

funny, right? how everything is opposite? how you never really know who someone is? who they want to be? what they want us to be?

in the end, the choice is really ours.

do. or don’t.

 

 

 

adolescence

Whispers of a forgotten secret from long ago,
that was how we carried on.
We didn’t care that the only thing that kept us going was the nostalgia, the memories.
We pretended that life was a game of storytelling.
Reality was all but a short distance away, but we preferred the slow paces and familiar routes.
The others would pass us by and laugh their superior laughs.
We would turn our faces and act like nothing could touch us.

We were wispy children stuck in the past,
unable to move on from the life of daydreaming and lollygagging.
Our refusal to grow up had brought us strength, dignity, and pride.

The option of an elder life had never interested us.
We were no stranger to their lifestyle of bravado and business.
We preferred the silence of simplicity.
The exposure to responsibility was too much.

In the faraway, distracted world we had created,
we were content,
we were joyous.
We were undeniably adolescent.

paradox girl

hook, line, and sinker
i attach and detach just as easily
i’m a paradox girl
trying to distract myself from what i
love the most
the biggest loss.
i fall in love with ideas
in order to pass reality by with a
fleeting stare of contempt

the stars swim in my eyes
while i hide