the absolver

She walked into the cafe. Her hands were folded behind her back, her neck was straight, her eyes unnervingly focused. As she sat down, her sleek hair toppled over one shoulder. Her glass eyes now faced me.

Yes, she had been broken. Many times. By me. Yet, she remained strong. Beautiful. I could see how strong she was, yet how hard she was trying. It was taking everything in her to not scream at me. To not rear her fist back and land a hard blow to my face. It took it all for her to not break down right in front of me.

“How are you?” The match had been lit.

She exhaled, letting herself relax for just a moment. “Good. How are you?”


She looked up at me, just for a moment. I could see the endless questions written all over her face. She had changed, I could see it now. She wasn’t nervously twisting her hands like she always used to do. They remained folded, on top of the table. Her eyes weren’t roaming, they were staring straight at me. She had no fear.

“Why am I here?” she asked.

For the first time, I was afraid. “I wanted to see you.”

A laugh cascaded from her mouth. It ran out of her and flooded the restaurant. Her laugh had even changed. It had more of a sharp edge to it.

“You must need something.”

Her words stung me, yet they rang true. I had taken so much advantage of her. She cared for me like no one else. She never gave up on me. She had been relentless in her desire to help me, to make me better. But I hated her for it. I grew tired of her incessant checking up on me, and eventually she finally left. For good.

She left home after her freshman year of college and we hadn’t talked since. It had been a year. No contact, no seeing each other, no nothing. Dead silence.

Now we were sitting across from each other in a downtown cafe outside of Atlanta. Although the energy was different, things still felt just as they did a year and a half ago.

“I-I’m sorry.” I blurted it out, suddenly. Unexpectedly.

Her eyebrows began to rise. “You asked me here so you could apologize?”

I leaned my head into my hands. “I have no idea. I just missed you, I guess.”

Her laughter splashed all over me yet again.

“Do you have any idea how much time has passed? That it’s too late?” Her eyes were glistening. “If you wanted to apologize, it should have happened back then. Not now, not here. I’ve moved on from it, so I’ll accept your apology but…things will never be the same.”

I nodded. I knew she was going to say that the minute she walked in.

“I know. I just…needed to say it.”

“That’s fine.” I watched her glance down at her phone, eyes squinting. She abruptly stood up. “I have to go.”

She turned and walked into the cerulean afternoon. Something wasn’t sitting right with me. I did the most idiotic thing and jumped up. I chased after her. Me. The one who is so used to running away.

“Wait.” I called, grabbing her by the wrist.

She roughly jerked out of my grasp. Anger flared up onto her face. It rolled in in waves.

“Listen to me. I get you’re sorry, okay? I do. But I moved on. I used to build my entire life around you. I spent every second involving myself in other people’s lives so I wouldn’t have to deal with my own. When I was forced to do that, when you decided our friendship wasn’t worth your time anymore…it changed me. It was hard. I had no idea who I was. So I found myself. It was the greatest experience I have ever had. I know myself now. I can look at myself everyday and be proud of who I am. Notice how, the first thing you did when we got here, the very first thing, was make this about you. If you would have asked me what I’m studying, or where I’m living, or even tried to be interested in my life, maybe this would have worked. But you didn’t. You made this entire thing into a situation for yourself. To absolve yourself over whatever guilt you’ve been feeling about our past. But it’s done, okay? I am happy now. It is no longer my responsibility to make sure you’re okay. You have to do that for yourself.”

I was taken aback. She was right. Everything. I couldn’t speak.

“It is a cliche thing, that actions speak louder than words, but I believe it more and more everyday.”

I was embarrassed, shocked by how incredibly naive I have been. All my life, I have wanted people around to tell me I’m okay, not to actually build off of their advice and better myself, just to feel a temporary relief.

She gently put her hand on my shoulder. “Goodbye.”



i can feel it
crushing me, suffocating me

its all i can do to stop it from pulling me under
it is sneaky and beautiful and overwhelming
i want to slowly wrap my arms around it and breathe in its sweet scent

just run from it

the shadows will pull you in
entice you with their darkness
they will dance in your heart,
your mind
turn you into something unrecognizable

but can’t you see, my darling?
you are more than the dark corner of a room
more than a drawn curtain over a window

you are the sunshine peeking through the clouds
a lightning bolt slicing through the sky

the shadows have sedated you
and made you see a reality that is not

the sun wants you to wake up,
to see what is real
to understand the thoughts burning through your mind
are not who you are

one day you will be incredibly happy
none of this will matter
the shadows behind you
your eyes will shine and you will never stop smiling
you will hear music in the wind
the stars will be a promise to you, that everything is okay

your heartbeat is a symphony that must be sung
let it sing



a series of random writings


someday we will look back and be filled with overwhelming sadness.
everything we thought we knew was wrong. the world is bigger than it seems, you know.
music makes me feel. my friends make me happy i am alive. i am distant and anxiety-ridden. i beat myself up everyday for my daily decisions.
so what then.
they teach you when you are young to never write in another person’s book.
but i couldn’t help myself.
i wanted to become part of your story.
i wanted to paint myself wild and pretty all across your paper-thin pages, make a mark.
maybe that is my problem. i include myself in another person’s life without consent. it happens fast and all at once. i can’t stop myself from dripping ink onto your hard copies. i ruined them.


you were so good at keeping secrets and i know why
you tried to bury yourself under all the weight
so you could forget who you were


they keep telling me to give it time
and to keep a smile painted on my face
but i have left my canvas out in the rain
watercolor in the streets
and there is no way to recreate
the mess i made


the things you hate
become the things you love
and soon you will drown in your own decisiveness

you will act on a thought
a thought you so desperately wanted to be reality
but you must remember my dear
you cannot force the universe to give you what you want it to




i was not happy for a very long time.
i would watch life past by me in its flying colors and wonder when will it be my time?
i was staring down at an open book, waiting for the pages to flip for me.
my biggest discovery-you make your own happiness.
it comes in waves, gradually.
i’m driving in the city lights, swaying to the music, laughing at the top of my lungs. i am filled to the brim with love.
for life, for people, for me.
surrounded by the best people i know, the best songs, the best stars the galaxy can give me.
beautiful people everywhere i look. a toothy grin, a dimple, hazelnut hair, freckles, moonlight dancing in their bright eyes.
i never thought i would get to this place. never thought i would find my people.
no, i have not reached my full potential. i am learning everyday what it means to live life to the fullest. but i am working with what i have. loving every second God gives me on this finite earth.
a best friend. a rhythm flowing through me. a kiss.
so, perfection does exist. it is believing every second counts, every smile matters, everything you do and say has impact. that friendship is the greatest thing the world has to offer. love. be kind. it is the only thing to do.

my time is now. every breath i take makes me know this is true. it drives me, pushes me to try and make sense of this crazy world.

and it is your time too.



you breathed fire into me and then watched me disintegrate.
i am no more than the ashes of your making,
your doing.

i wished for the passion
and the heat.
yet now i feel the burns
carving scars into my skin.

you lit a spark in me,
illuminating even my darkest parts.
you were the wildfire and i, the trees,
hopeless to your will, your wrath.

don’t get too close to the flame
the warnings i missed,
the flashing lights i just wanted to dance to.

your flashes of rust and blue.
your colors i cannot forget,
burn the edges of my mind,
melting everything else away.

you were born to be destructive.
all infernos are.
i was naive for thinking i could stand in your path,
be resilient to that hell-fire heat.
i never thought you would burn through
the deepest parts of me.
seeping into my eyes, my skin, my bones,
my heart.

they say never underestimate a flame.
now i know its true.
every part of me is ruined,
rubble, rust, ash.
i have been reduced to the smallest part of myself,
no hope of reconstruction.

the sparkle in your eye was the first mistake,
that tiny lick of fire.
i should have run away.



a part of me longs to pry my past open,                                                                                   explore all the mistakes and secrets of long ago.

i’m a new me, and you’re a new you.

when we were younger, we dreamed of this. together. tangled up in hopes and dreams that seemed so incredibly out of reach.

but this is it. we are here. so much older than we even want to be, our desires for the future spread out before us like a never ending fantasy novel.

i want to hold onto everything all at once. i love these people. i love this life. yet, i know it is fleeting.

we continue to grow. we extend our arms wider and cheer louder and love harder. smile wider. our hearts and minds seem to expand past capacity.

who would have thought we were capable of this? we always yearned for this to end, yet here we are, hiding from a new beginning in the comfort of what we have constantly wished away.

we are triumphant children on the brink of adulthood. we see the sun on the horizon and know new things are upon us. we step back and begin a journey backwards to learn to appreciate things we formerly took for granted.

our old lives are on the brink of extinction. we are searching for safety and comfort in all of our surroundings. we are drinking up the last bits of hope before that life is over-forever.

when that sun finally closes in upon us, we will be ready. we will be ready because our former selves have taught us to love and appreciate each other as if life is going to forever change tomorrow.

so, yes. you can live in the past-not forever, not for always. the past helps us reach our full potential in order to travel to the next destination in life. it is a tool used to better ourselves for a new age. use it wisely. never forget the past isn’t supposed to last forever-only to transform us into the best human beings we can be.




the crazy kind of love

(written for my broken-hearted & beautiful friends tonight)

maybe we were supposed to bite our tongues,
be confident,
shake our hair to the wind,
and be the young and wild and free girls we were destined to be.
but this wasn’t always our reality.
we wanted to synthetically transform into the Barbie of their dreams. so we would squeeze all of our insecurities, all of our doubts, and all of our insanities into those too-tight pants that we think they just might like.

it’s why we smiled wider, laughed louder, so maybe their eyes would drift over and meet our very fragile ones for half of a second.

we loved them. wanted to destroy our worlds so maybe we could be a part of theirs for just a little bit of time. all in the hope that they would give you more than a casual hug or a fleeting conversation in the hallway.

but, they…they were the manipulators. they knew how absolutely head over heels we were for their half a seconds and empty promises. and they used it to their advantage. they were the winners, the conquerers of a single gender species.

but no. let’s forget about that. continue to be open, willing, trusting, loyal. because no one wants to point our their flaws. only ours. the crazy girls.

they decieve you. they hold your hand and flirt with you and smile coyly at you from across the room. they steadily build up the idea of dating, a beautiful girl and a beautiful boy finally doing something really great together.

(together. music to a crazy girl’s ears)

then, they pull the plug. end it. say they aren’t ready. it’s not time. that you both should move on and focus on other things.
we, the worshippers, unravel. heads spinning, wondering where we went wrong. what’s wrong with us?

they have the nerve to tell us we are the crazy ones, the hell-raisers, dramatic, petty, ungrateful.
all of us.

maybe it was a bad idea to throw ourselves into this fire. to give ourselves up to the thing we know will destroy us. but we pray. we hope. we have blind faith that maybe the heavens will open up and rain will cascade down and eradicate the inferno. calm the soul. make him peaceful again. make him love again. or at least somehow capable of it.

girls are the lovers and the fighters. we love so it can give us something to fight for. its part of us, built right into our dna.

all i can remember is her sitting on my couch, her eyes stinging red from the tears and thinking, “why?
this amazing, beautiful, fierce lover shedding her tears over a single boy. one of the strongest people i knew suddenly becoming weak by a single action. it was astonishing how much control these people have over us. how they can sway and dictate our entire mindsets over one single lie.

we ask so many times. we give them opportunities to let us crazy girls go, but they continue to lead us on. they love the attention we give them because they know how incredibly fierce it is. how more fierce it will become if they slide one more lie in masked by a sneaky apology and a bright smile, relieved they have more time to sit in the throne we have built up for them in the kingdom of our making. it’s one of a kind.

our fingers ache as we claw and fight our way through what we think is just a simple misunderstanding. something we can fix, something we can control. little do we know, you can’t dig your way out of a mindset. we’ll drown, lost among the endless sea of other girls who lost themselves trying a little too hard for people who just don’t care.

so, i will leave you with this.
love. it is what we crazy girls were designed to do. love indefinitely, love infinitely…but never lose the love you have for yourself.



the tips of my fingers trembled as i touched the journal.
i had quoted you endless times. i wanted to know what your words felt like rolling off of my tongue and onto the page. i took my comfort in you, in this unoriginality.

i couldn’t dare face my own creativity. it was too fierce and wild and took me over with one single exhale of a word. all i could focus on were the do’s and don’ts. 

one command. one life-threatening, soul-altering word.
don’t yell. don’t cheat. don’t fight. don’t push. don’t cry.

everything suppressed, screaming to get out.

i had recreated myself into a pristine, obedient woman. i had created myself into you.
you were the rule follower, the epitome of perfection. of course, i could never fully become you.

but i could try.

i could paint my life in your subtle, pastel colors, hiding the darkness within. i could suffocate myself in your rainbow of niceties and politeness. i could choke all of this down, and pretend.

but i would always be your opponent. the one standing at the end of the spectrum, inches away from dropping into nothingness. oblivion.

if i am so aware of this fact, why do i bother? why do i put myself through this pain in order to transform myself from something i cannot escape?

it’s easy. plain and simple and clear.

we’re all bred to want something we can’t have. straight hair, perfect nose, skinnier waist, bronze skin. it’s programmed into our beings. it’s a natural chase, from the moment we are born. constantly surrounded by the do’s and don’ts of society. we inhale the do’s and exhale the don’ts, telling ourselves this is how to survive. to become something we are not. to bury ourselves in the artificiality. to become it.

so that’s where i am. in the endless sea of artificiality, drowning among the others.

while i am struggling to become her, she’s struggling to become someone else.

maybe she’s struggling to become me.

maybe she wants to strip herself of the inbred pleasantries. the smile she can’t hide. the desire to help, to be selfless, to never let them down. to be that model for them. a leader.

maybe she wants to jump across this predestined spectrum and take my place at the precipice.

maybe she has darkness too, but she’s just beginning to discover it.

maybe she’s had it all along.

funny, right? how everything is opposite? how you never really know who someone is? who they want to be? what they want us to be?

in the end, the choice is really ours.

do. or don’t.






Whispers of a forgotten secret from long ago,
that was how we carried on.
We didn’t care that the only thing that kept us going was the nostalgia, the memories.
We pretended that life was a game of storytelling.
Reality was all but a short distance away, but we preferred the slow paces and familiar routes.
The others would pass us by and laugh their superior laughs.
We would turn our faces and act like nothing could touch us.

We were wispy children stuck in the past,
unable to move on from the life of daydreaming and lollygagging.
Our refusal to grow up had brought us strength, dignity, and pride.

The option of an elder life had never interested us.
We were no stranger to their lifestyle of bravado and business.
We preferred the silence of simplicity.
The exposure to responsibility was too much.

In the faraway, distracted world we had created,
we were content,
we were joyous.
We were undeniably adolescent.


paradox girl

hook, line, and sinker
i attach and detach just as easily
i’m a paradox girl
trying to distract myself from what i
love the most
the biggest loss.
i fall in love with ideas
in order to pass reality by with a
fleeting stare of contempt

the stars swim in my eyes
while i hide