the crazy kind of love

(written for my broken-hearted & beautiful friends tonight)

maybe we were supposed to bite our tongues,
flaunt,
be confident,
shake our hair to the wind,
and be the young and wild and free girls we were destined to be.
maybe.
but this wasn’t always our reality.
we wanted to synthetically transform into the Barbie of their dreams. so we would squeeze all of our insecurities, all of our doubts, and all of our insanities into those too-tight pants that we think they just might like.

it’s why we smiled wider, laughed louder, so maybe their eyes would drift over and meet our very fragile ones for half of a second.

we loved them. wanted to destroy our worlds so maybe we could be a part of theirs for just a little bit of time. all in the hope that they would give you more than a casual hug or a fleeting conversation in the hallway.

but, they…they were the manipulators. they knew how absolutely head over heels we were for their half a seconds and empty promises. and they used it to their advantage. they were the winners, the conquerers of a single gender species.

but no. let’s forget about that. continue to be open, willing, trusting, loyal. because no one wants to point our their flaws. only ours. the crazy girls.

they decieve you. they hold your hand and flirt with you and smile coyly at you from across the room. they steadily build up the idea of dating, a beautiful girl and a beautiful boy finally doing something really great together.

(together. music to a crazy girl’s ears)

then, they pull the plug. end it. say they aren’t ready. it’s not time. that you both should move on and focus on other things.
we, the worshippers, unravel. heads spinning, wondering where we went wrong. what’s wrong with us?

they have the nerve to tell us we are the crazy ones, the hell-raisers, dramatic, petty, ungrateful.
all of us.

maybe it was a bad idea to throw ourselves into this fire. to give ourselves up to the thing we know will destroy us. but we pray. we hope. we have blind faith that maybe the heavens will open up and rain will cascade down and eradicate the inferno. calm the soul. make him peaceful again. make him love again. or at least somehow capable of it.

girls are the lovers and the fighters. we love so it can give us something to fight for. its part of us, built right into our dna.

all i can remember is her sitting on my couch, her eyes stinging red from the tears and thinking, “why?
this amazing, beautiful, fierce lover shedding her tears over a single boy. one of the strongest people i knew suddenly becoming weak by a single action. it was astonishing how much control these people have over us. how they can sway and dictate our entire mindsets over one single lie.

we ask so many times. we give them opportunities to let us crazy girls go, but they continue to lead us on. they love the attention we give them because they know how incredibly fierce it is. how more fierce it will become if they slide one more lie in masked by a sneaky apology and a bright smile, relieved they have more time to sit in the throne we have built up for them in the kingdom of our making. it’s one of a kind.

our fingers ache as we claw and fight our way through what we think is just a simple misunderstanding. something we can fix, something we can control. little do we know, you can’t dig your way out of a mindset. we’ll drown, lost among the endless sea of other girls who lost themselves trying a little too hard for people who just don’t care.

so, i will leave you with this.
love. it is what we crazy girls were designed to do. love indefinitely, love infinitely…but never lose the love you have for yourself.

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