Have you ever had something so great, but ruin it because things don’t go exactly your way? Well, this is what often happens to me. I will be blessed with something new and exciting coming into my life, but try to control every aspect of it. I grow continuously unhappy that the conditions are not fine-tuned to my liking. I pretend that my actions don’t affect others and that the other person or thing involved is the one in the wrong. This is an awful and detrimental mindset to have, and I have been struggling with it for years-more so in high school. I have talked about my fear of change and the unknown in a previous post. I don’t like things that are out of my control, things I can’t change. So this leads me to bend everything to my will, so I can have everything just so. But this doesn’t work in reality, because life involves consequences. Life is a series of cause and effect. You can’t make a decision or an action without something following it up.
Recently, I messed up. This was when I realized I had turned into something I refused to acknowledge-a selfish monster. Time and time again, I do certain things that I know I would never be okay with if I was on the other end. I try to tell myself everything is fine and that it’s going to be okay, when in reality I’m hurting inside. I treat others this awful way to build myself up. Instead of clinging to this selfishness, I need to turn to God. I need to trust His way and His plan. I need to let go and let him enter my heart and soul and guide me through my actions. I am asking Him to cleanse me of my wrongdoings and let me begin again as His daughter. I want to ask for His forgiveness and everyone else’s that I have harmed while I was up in my head.